Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone beyond the infatuation stage know that relationships are like a rollercoaster ride. When things are good, they are very, very good. When things are bad, they are very, very bad. As a relationship coach, I have developed Top 10 Lists—one for men and one for women on 10 things to do and not to do in relationships.
MEN
DO
1. Just listen to your partner without offering advice.
2. Trust and respect her.
3. Treat her as an equal partner in your relationship.
4. Stay and support her when she gets emotional. She is looking for understanding, not solutions.
5. Continue your courtship even after she’s committed to you. Continue to create romance in your relationship.
6. Do little things on a regular basis. A woman doesn’t care if you call her at work to say, “I love you” or if you buy a new TV for the living room. The small things are worth just as much as the big ones.
7. Honor any agreements you have made with her.
8. Encourage her goals and direction.
9. Find out what your partner would like to do and then do it with her.
10. Say, “I’m sorry” when you’ve done something you regret or that was hurtful to your partner, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
DON’T
1. Go to bed angry with your partner.
2. Try to offer advice or solutions when your partner just needs you to listen to her without comment.
3. Pretend to listen to her when you really aren’t.
4. Shut your partner out when you need to sort things out in your head. Just explain you need space, you aren’t angry with your partner and that you’ll be back.
5. Criticize your partner, especially her appearance.
6. Yell at your partner as if you were her father.
7. Take every word she says literally. Women, when upset, tend to speak in absolutes, such as “You NEVER listen to me;” when what she really means is that you aren’t listening to her at that time.
8. Allow jealousy to erode the trust, love and respect of your relationship.
9. Violate her privacy.
10. Forget special occasions.
Men and women have different communication styles, different needs and desires, and different relationship challenges. Learning these differences can assist us in strengthening the relationships we have now and in the future. John Gray began this revolutionary discovery in his book, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. The Women’s List follows:
WOMEN
DO
1. When you want more quality time with your man, make the time you do have as positive as possible.
2. Trust and respect him.
3. Stop nagging.
4. Allow your partner time away from you without giving him the third degree.
5. Appreciate the little things he does for you and tell him so.
6. Make love creatively and often. Don’t be afraid to initiate lovemaking.
7. Honor any agreements you have made with him.
8. Support his goals and direction.
9. Ask for what you want! (Believe it or not, no matter how much he loves you, he really can’t read your mind.)
10. Accept his “No” gracefully, trusting that he would if he could.
DON’T
1. Go to bed angry with your partner.
2. Insist he always share his feelings with you. Talking about feelings is more what women need.
3. Attempt to converse with your partner during a good movie or sporting event.
4. Continue to “give” in what you perceive is a lopsided relationship when you are at a point of resentment.
5. Criticize him or put him down, especially the things he does.
6. Scold your partner as if he were a child.
7. Use sex as a prize for good behavior or the withholding of sex as punishment for “bad” behavior.
8. Compare him to a fictional character in a book, movie or soap drama and find him lacking.
9. Violate his privacy.
10. Try to change him. Appreciate the man he is right now.
But what if you have not yet passed the infatuation stage? Well, you might be thinking what I just said isn't for you because you are still single and searching for your prince charming. You will say something like "Jude! there is no Prince charming? you've got to be kidding me". He will do whatever I want; you are pretty sure to find your prince charming and will reject as many men as possible just to find that one perfect man.
Hey! my name is Jude and I'm sure some of you already know me. There is this girl I met and after getting to know her I realized she wasn't the type of girl you can be friends with. She will often say things like she wants this or that type of man and will do everything to find one but will often gets into bad relationships because she is looking for prince charming. She keep on getting into bad relationships but won't learn from her mistakes. Well, she still thinks after all the heartbreaks she is still going to find that rich and handsome prince charming. Do you think she will one day find him?
I'm sorry to tell you this; you will never find a perfect man. Let me illustrate what I mean by this:
“Once upon a time there lived a noble gentleman who had a little girl.”
Stop right there and rewind! Before we get to the end of this story, where two people go off and live a fairy tale life, I have to tell you that there is no Prince Charming.
The sooner that ladies wake up and realize that, the better life will be.
The average woman spends her life waiting for that perfect man, the one who completes her. He’s the one for whom she would not only give her heart, but her life. She keeps hoping and praying that Prince Charming will ride up on his horse and sweep her off her feet, and then they’ll ride off together and live happily ever after.
What you see in movies and read in books isn’t what real relationships are about.
The perfect man isn’t out there. Do you want to know why he isn’t out there? Because, he doesn’t exist! In my opinion, there is no such thing as perfect. Like every woman, each man has his flaws, his weaknesses, and his strengths. How can a woman expect a perfect man, when women are not perfect?
In the movie, “The Perfect Man” Holly Hamilton (played by Hillary Duff) creates the illusion of “the perfect man” for her single mother, Jean Hamilton (played by Heather Locklear) who believes that she needs a man to be complete. Along the way Holly and Jean both learn that life isn’t really all that simple. Of course the movie is flawed because she winds up with a guy in the end. Go figure!
But my point in all of this is: Ladies true happiness comes from within and while you are busy searching for that perfect man; you could be missing out on someone very special.
There may be such a thing as true love, but you won’t find it kissing frogs. He won’t be placing a glass slipper on your foot and he won’t say the right words and do the right things all the time.
Quit dreaming about fairy tales and start living your life. As one learns to see one’s self more clearly, she will see others more clearly. Don’t be influenced by images and illusion.
Life’s funny that way. We spend so much time searching for a Prince. We have to ask ourselves if we are looking for love while blindfolded? A successful relationship is hard work and it takes commitment from both parties to make it last a lifetime. Remember that we all have faults and we all have short comings. Sometimes you just have to meet somewhere in the middle.
While there may be no such thing as a true “Prince Charming” and life isn’t quite like you dreamed as a child. There certainly may be a man out there that can be the next best thing.
There is so much to learn about satisfying relationships that your parents never showed you. Please don’t become one of the statistics of divorce or perhaps worse, stay in a miserable relationship to honor your marriage vows while having so many regrets about your life as the time ticks away.
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